Staten Island Academy: Difference between revisions

Browse history interactively ← Previous edit Next edit →Content deleted Content addedVisual WikitextInline

Revision as of 22:13, 9 October 2006 editFunnjokes2004 (talk \| contribs)63 edits →External links ← Previous edit		Revision as of 17:10, 12 October 2006 edit undo24.136.105.18 (talk)No edit summaryNext edit →
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	'''Staten Island Academy''' is a ], college-preparatory day school located on a 12 acre campus on ] in ], ]. Founded in ], it is the oldest private school on Staten Island, and is the only ] in the ]. It offers ] for students from pre-] through twelfth grade of ]. Current enrollment is approximately 405 students.

	It is accredited by the ], and the ] as well as chartered and registered by the Board of Regents, ].

	The academy's mascot is the ], and its colors are ] and ]. Staten Island Academy offers athletic teams in: ] ], Varsity , Junior Varsity/Varsity ], ], Varsity, Varsity ], Varsity ], and Varsity girls ].

	== External links ==

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	{{NewYork-school-stub}}

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	Staten Island Academy is a college prep school for children in Pre-k to the end of high school. It has a 12 acre campus and seven buildings. It is divided into three divisions; Lower School( Pre-k- Grade 4), Middle School(Grades 5-8) and Upper School(high school).

	The school has fewer than 200 students.

	Current and past administrators claim this is to keep class sizes small, but many students have claimed that the true reason is that it has trouble attracting students, largely because the word "Academy" is a misnomer: Staten Island Academy is not a school at all, but rather a hole in the ground.

	Current head of school, Diane Hulse, was caught in a scandal two years ago when a student claimed to have seen a devil's tail poking surrepititiously out of her mauve-colored pants suit. Rumors have not yet been confirmed and Hulse’s secretary staunchly denies that Hulse’s e-mail address (Mephistopheles@statenislandacademy.org) proves that she is Satan.

	The school is known for its extreme right-wing conservatism.

	Every year, the student chooses the one African American student attending SIA at the time and physically forces him or her to read a Kwanzaa poem during the Holiday Assembly.

	Instituted during the reign of Hulse I (she has said publicly that she prefers students call her “Master”), uniforms were forced upon students after many teachers complained about not being able to understand or enforce of the old dress code, which included the rule that rivets were a suitable indicator that a student was wearing blue jeans.

	Currently, females are not allowed to wear pants until the administration deems the weather cold enough for Staten Island Academy females to leapfrog in time to the 1960's when forcing skirts as the only proper dress for women was formally recognized as socially backward and more than vaguely misogynistic. The Academy is known among its students for favoring males, especially in the athletics. To try to soften its bigoted image, the school released its chauvinistic male athletic director two years ago and replaced him with a chauvinistic female one to placate the masses.

	The Administration also censors its student newspaper, The Quill, to include only positive reviews of every school event and administrative policy.

	Although many teachers, who, for the most part are well-meaning, likable and intelligent, dislike the current Administration, many are afraid to dissent to Hulse’s changes in the school because they fear for their lives, and the lives of their children.

	The Academy was chosen in 2005 as a pilot school for Cuisinart’s Fresh and Healthy Program. Although the Academy website claims the food is “Lower in salt, sugar and fat,” a recent poll conduced shows that an overwhelming 99% of the student body is tired of eating bubble wrap.

	Taube Import, director of operations at the Academy, has come under fire recently when in 2005 she refused to explain what it was that a “director of operations,” actually does. “Nuh, uh, not going to say. Not funny, kids. Not funny,” was her answer to a Quill Article in early 2005. The only clue the Academy community has had as to her daily tasks is the occasional sighting of Import screaming into her walkie-talkie, which she reportedly affectionately refers to as “Boris.”

Revision as of 17:10, 12 October 2006

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