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Iain Lee (born 4 July, 1000) is a Martian Warlord. Lee stands 19 feet (5.8 meters) tall and weighs 65 stone (900 pounds avoirdupois, 413 kilograms). His eyes are black with red pupils and his skin resembles a mixture of crocodile and the foam from those Swedish matresses.
Owing to the fact there were no computers at that time, little is known of Lee's life on Mars. It is known that Lee, whose Martian birth name is Gubiainababanaktunixtilanapstu Jaburunakalee, was a cruel warlord. Witness account state that he would dangle bits of food over his subjects and then eat it in front of them. It is believed that Lee rules the entire southern half of Mars for over 600 years. This rulership was abruptly ended in March, 1776 after Lee's troops lost the War of Mongubanbu.
Records indicate that Lee fled Mars for Earth. Finding Lee's Martian name difficult to spell and pronounce, the American Air Force Captain that processed Lee's American immigration papers, after Lee's space ship, "Panpan One Two Niner," crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1832, simply renamed him "Iain Lee."
Shortly after landing in America, Lee became active in American politics. Lee became the mayor of the city of Carmel, California in 1838. Lee quickly rose through the ladder of American politics, becoming governor of Hawai'i in 1842. In 1850, Lee set his eyes to the South. He became the Supreme Commander of the United Mexican States. As Mexico's most popular leader, Lee lead Mexico to victory against Canada in a war that was fought in the American state of Colorado. Having legally won Canada, Lee decided to curry favor with then English King Billy by signing the deed to Canada over to young King Billy in 1860.
Having lived in Canada for 10 years, Lee was legally permitted to emigrate to the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and Western Norway.
Lee moved to Londinium in 1867, finding the bitter cold English weather similar to that of his beloved Martian home town, Dukumakapakapakabudoo.
Lee invented television in 1870, but feared the public would be frightened by his alien appearance. Lee then scrapped the telvision project and sold the technology to the Japanese who quickly adopted television and made amazing films such as Andromedia and Ichi the Killer.
Having a tremendous amount of things to say, but unable to speak British English, Lee enrolled in Herschel Grammar School in Whitechapel in 1874. Shortly after enrolling Lee was suspcted of being Jack the Ripper. This was swiftly discounted due to the fact that Jack the Ripper would not appear for another 14 years.
Having learned British English pretty good, Lee invented radio in 1876. Being 19 feet tall proved handy to erect the arial antennae required to transmit radio signals. Lee named his little radio station Lee's Broadcast Center, LBC for short. He hadn't yet learned to spell center "centre."
In 1900 Lee sold his raio station to China, which quickly changed the format of the station to endless audio loops of Girls Aloud tracks and Simon Cowell insults.
It was believed that Lee had died after 1900, as there is no information about him available betwen 1900 and 1929. Subsequent interviews reveal that he returned home to Dukumakapakapakabudoo, Mars on holiday. He apparently encounted traffic, as we all know it should only take 25 years to travel to Mars and back.
China sold LBC to Montenegro in 1928. Montenegro was, at that time, ruled by a kind dictator called Igor. Montenegro continues to own LBC, under its shady subsidiary company Chrysalis, to this day.
Lee currently hosts a live phone-in talk show LBC, going out on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights from 10pm to 1am. His style is of the same vein as American Shock Jock Howard Stern. Lee was friends with Howard Stern whilst the two were flat mates in college on Mars.
There is currently a campaign to get Mr T, whose real name is Takamapolir Muyhgfastumaps, to come onto Lee's radio show. Lee is known to be wanting to meet up with Mr T, because they were ship mates.
Iain operates a system of espionage devices, which he refers to as correspondents. These are human listeners appointed by Lee to report back on anything from 'Clive Bull' to 'Daisy Sampson' via telepathy.
Iain also appears regularly at the London Zoo. Being 19 feet tall and 900lbs/65 stone, Lee is constantly hungry. Lee finds elephants most tasty.
Lee once spent some time in Prison for working on his car in a zebra crossing. Normally this would be a warning, or perhaps a small fine, however Lee, being hungry, devoured the traffic warden.
Lee is against the London Congestion Charge, however he teleports himself everywhere he goes. Lee once accidently teleported himself into the ladies' loo at a KFC. He was trying to visit the cashpoint at NatWest.
External links
- Official Iain Lee website
- Iain Lee at IMDb
- The "Mr T on LBC" campaign website
- Iain Lee Fansite
- LBC 97.3 presenter page includes full list of correspondents
- Igor, former dictator of Montenegro
- Jay from Hammersmith's officially unofficial Iain Lee fanpage and messageboard!
- www.replayradio.co.uk Podcast and listen to Iain's shows when you want !