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Atheism (also known as the one true divine reality) is often defined as a lack of a belief in God (or, to be religiously correct and non-discriminatory, a person who lacks belief in any kind of supernatural deity), which is clearly mistaken, because everyone believes in God. So instead, it is actually a highly secretive religion devoted to private worship of the ultimate, all powerful goddess Athe. The goal of atheists is to improve society by persuading people to join them in their faith through cunning arguments as to why it's better than anyone else's. The main technique they use is to walk around a typical busy city centre shouting “you worthless sinners! I am holier than thou! My beliefs are better than yours! Come to Jesus Athe or die!” Some religous people like to claim that Atheists dont exist.

The Atheist Doctrine

Because Athe is regarded as the highest and most advanced being in the universe, communication between Her and Her lowly creations is regarded as a blasphemous concept in Atheism. Atheists believe that to regard oneself as so important that Athe the almighty has time to stop watching TV just to listen your prayers is the ultimate case of egotism. Atheists don’t flatter themselves in that way. As such there exist no holy scriptures in Atheism, and prayer, i.e., attempted communication with a superior being, is strictly forbidden. Anyone who dares to indulge in such activity as the perusal of scripture or prayer ceases to be an Atheist or gets slapped with a tuna; repeat offenders are slapped with a swordfish. Most Atheist converts will most probably read the Dummies' Guide to Atheism (a.k.a. The Origin of Species). This is not obligatory though, since that is a very old and boring book designed primarily for 70 year old university professors reading by candlelight.

The lack of scripture or common prayer around which to nucleate a faith leaves Atheism a much less cohesive faith than, say, Christianity, Jainism, Pastafarianism or Islam. As no Atheist Church actually exists and congregations of Atheists are regarded as unholy (owing to the temptation to group prayer) the typical Atheist has little choice but to attack and challenge the beliefs of other religions, by studying and understanding science. Most Atheists will talk more about God than the regular Theist (Theists being the mortal enemy of all Atheists just like Jeff Davis and Abe Lincoln). As such, on meeting an Atheist, the last thing you want to do is mention religion, because it will likely reel off a list of reasons why your particular deity doesn't exist and why the world would be better if everyone was Atheist. The exception to this rule is people described as atheist by default, or ABD. These are people who happened to be brought up in a non-religious family, and hence were never introduced to one of the non-atheist gods. ABDs make up 99% of the atheist population; Oxford professors and people who appear on Rod Liddle’s documentaries make up the remaining 1%.

The fact that Athe is herself a divine deity is ignored of course. They might turn red and explode out of fury at just looking at a person carrying a Bible, although this is not a given because a large proportion of atheists worry too much about their own lives to worry about other people’s. There are reports of Atheists entering Iowa and getting an allergic reaction.

According to Christians, Atheists believe that since all creatures are produced from natural selection as the circle of life in Athe's personal casino that humans have no free will and that we are dominated by our most natural instincts and urges. According to Atheists themselves however, our free will comes from our 1.5kg brains and that we are perfectly capable of overcoming our “most natural instincts and urges”. In Christianity an individual has no free will due to the fact that they must follow every last word of the Bible - These must kill prostitute, kill her children if she has any and then burn down here house, stone people to death who work on Sunday or suggest believing in another god, kill children who dare argue with their parents and allow their daughters to be raped and killed to save a man. As for "thou shalt not kill", it's kind of obvious to an atheist that they shalt not kill; they don't need the Bible to tell them that.

Atheists always say that since they have got a highly developed brain they can figure out for themselves what is right and what is wrong without needing a book written during the dark ages to define their “morals” for them; morals like sacrificing your own son and stoning people to death for “moving sticks on the Sabbath”. If we are to believe Christians, all Atheists are immoral monsters who don’t know right from wrong and who walk around in public naked, eating bananas and scratching their armpits. The fact that real Atheists never behave like this simply serves as proof that the Christians are right…. or something like that. Atheists are often criticized by Christians for using common sense as it renders their god irrelevant.

Every atheist will give his or her child and Athening at birth to keep the child pure of dark age myth.

The Atheist Misconception

Owing to their reluctance to explicitly mention any form of deity when discussing their faith, it is perceived by many that Atheism is in fact the lack of a belief in God. In reality Atheists just think that the goddess Athe is too busy helping embryos to develop, pushing the Earth around the sun and keeping all physical constants at the right value to worry about “sins” of individual humans (especially since there's about 6.5 billion humans on Earth right now). For instance if a Christian man stares at the cleavage of a woman on a bus for more than 2 seconds he will flatter himself by believing that god has acknowledged something so trivial and that God really cares about it.

Atheists never pray to their goddess Athe, because they believe that it is cringingly embarrassing for Athe when people are continuously brown-nosing her and kissing her arse in the hope that they can avoid being burned forever in Hell. Most supernatural beings like Thor, Jon Frum, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and even gay deities like the Invisible Pink Unicorn think it is really funny when Christians brown-nose God. God is a power-hungry lunatic who actively encourages this widespread personality cult, but since Athe gets embarrassed easily she asks her followers not to brown-nose her in the same fashion.

Atheist Views on...

...Religion

Every human being, cat and extra-terrestrial is born an atheist. That is because an atheist is literally a person who does not believe in a god or gods. Every religious person will say otherwise of course; they will say that an atheist is somebody who actively believes that he doesn’t believe, and they define a lack of religion as religion in its own right.

If you’re confused don’t worry; the people who think like this are clearly quite confused too. Here is a typical rant from an angry religous person who clearly hates atheists (spelling errors added left in):

Atheists believe that living in your parent's basement, playing video games, and insulting religious people on internet message boards all day is an excellent and fulfilling lifestyle. Atheists also believe that they are the only ones good enough to be scientists and that any other religion and science are completely incompatible. To get the general public to believe this, they spread the lie that all Christians are conservative rebulicans who believe literally in the creation story.

Religious people clearly think a lot about non-religious people. The reverse is not true. Most non-religious people are too busy living their lives to be worried about something they don’t believe in. (Fairies, unicorns, Zeus, Thor, Hercules, Tony Blair, etc). They simply develop page after page of online content, write books like, well, all the books they write and actively protest the new version of the Pledge of Allegiance (since the original version didn't contain the word "God", just like the original Dollar bill didn't say anything about trusting God), and so on and so forth. Sometimes they commit acts of terrorism like blowing up toy buses to show people they're right.

...Afterlife

The Atheist believes that the all-powerful Athe did indeed create the realms of Heaven and Hell, but did such a good job that to sully them with the presence of human souls would be an affront to their beauty. As such, when one dies, the Atheists believe that your soul is weighed and measured by one's actions in life, and is sent to Las Vegas or South Bend depending on how much of a dick one has been.

...Abortion

Atheists believe that the spirit of Athe flows only through their nervous systems. For this reason they say that two week old undeveloped human embryos haven’t yet been blessed by Athe. If a woman has been raped or will die as a result of the birth of a child Atheists believe that it is the will of Athe that the woman must die and so she not be allowed to have an abortion. They only believe abortions are appropriate for people who can’t be bothered buying condoms. Atheists know that anyone who hasn’t used contraception must be a Christian and they allow the person to have an abortion as revenge, hence pissing off the Christians in two ways at once.

...Dan Brown

Atheism is painted in a very crude and unpleasant way in the author Dan Brown's novels, in particular the portrayal of the Illuminati, a militant atheist organisation which attempts to destroy the Vatican with a plot device. Some of the better known celebrity Illuminati members have spoken out against this portrayal of their society as closed and secretive, stating: "the Illuminati have always been an open and inclusive society dedicated to the destruction of organised religion around the world (fair enough, we're not doing a very good job Allah Ackbar!)—visit our website for information on how to join!"

...Creation

Thinking Athe would never bother to get her hands dirty by creating the world, most Atheists think it more rational to believe the universe emerged out of nothingness by itself, as opposed to the religious view that the supernatural deity emerged out of nothingness by itself. Atheists are lazy and the improbability of an infinitely complex supernatural deity magically popping up out of nowhere gives them too much to think about; it raises too many questions. Questions like: How can something complex enough to create the vast and unending expanse of the universe come straight out of nothingness? If we have established that a supernatural deity capable of creating the universe can pop out of nowhere is it so unreasonable to accept that the universe itself popped out of nowhere and cut out the middle man (or middle woman in this case)? How the hell can you “make” life? Don’t animals start as single cells and then develop as embryos? How the hell can you “make” a full grown human (and every other plant and animal) in their fully grown form simply by blowing into mud? Atheists don’t like to answer too many questions, so it’s just easier to assume that Athe herself did not create the universe.

In regards to evolution, Atheists believe that humans did not evolve directly from chimps. Humans and chimps merely had a common ancestor, Homer Simpson. Since Atheists are lazy when it comes to answering complicated questions they don’t go for answers like “every single animal in the world was created in exactly the form they are in today and they have not changed since that day, nor ever will they”. Just as with the sudden appearance of the supernatural deity, the sudden appearance of life in all its complexity without themselves even growing from embryos as they do today is too much for the small imagination of an atheist. The other problem with this assertion is that life does appear to be changing all the time.

So what atheists say, to save time, is that a self-replicating molecule similar to DNA appeared around 3.5 billion years ago and since then that molecule has been doing its best to keep itself safe inside bacteria, plants and animals. These molecules were probably built by Darwin and then sent back in time with the help of his patented "Evolvinator". Once atheists have said that they can go back to watching TV and tell the religious people who keep asking them these questions to stop asking them questions about things they don’t care about.

...Homosexuals

All atheists are heterophobic (they hate straight people). According to the atheist Bible:

If a maneth also lieth with womankindeth, as he lieth with a maneth, botheth of themeth hath committeth an abominationeth: theyeth shalt surelyeth be puteth to deatheth; their bloodeth shalteth be uponst themeth.

This means that all atheists would like to kill all straight people. They even have websites dedicated to it. The website claims to "show why Athe wrote Leviticus 20:13".

At the present time, Atheist adoption agencies in the UK are blackmailing UK ministers to not introduce new legislation which will give equal rights to straight people. They are threatening to close down if the legislation comes to pass. Atheist organizations have a habit of being heterophobic and of bullying and blackmailing politicians. A Atheist minister for the Forced Labour Party is upset because she “doesn’t want to have to decide between her lack of faith and her ambition” (I think we all know which one she’ll chose when her next paycheck arrives!). This same minister’s lack of faith didn’t stop her for voting in favour of building more casinos in the UK, or supporting the Very Reverent St. Tony Blair the Great in every scandal he’s been involved in during his last ten years in power. (See hypocrisy for more information)

The origin of this heterophobia is said to have started with Athe not bothering with males, because nobody cares.

Atheist terrorism

Atheists commit acts of terrorism on a regular basis. As a way of defying the church they will often sneak into church after church and replace the body of Christ with rice paper, replace the blood of Christ with wine, put up sculptures of the Christian Messiah being tortured, and set all the candles on fire.

Sometimes they dress up like priests, and burn asbestos in little gold smoke thuribles. There are some signs that asbestos is being burned by an atheist terrorist, instead of incense being burned by a priest:

1. Instead of a pleasant smelling smoke, the smoke smells like burnt tires.
2. The priest may look unusually manic and unshaven, with long, unclipped nails, and may be wearing a trench coat under the priest's ceremonial gown.
3. If the "priest" asks for your children's opinion on the new brand of incense he bought, and invites them to get closer to take a smell of the smoke, do not let your children approach under any circumstances.
4. Instead of rhythmically swinging the thurible back and forth they will swing it around their head at high velocity.
5. Often they will extend the chain so that the red hot thurible swings over the entire congregation. If you are knelt in prayer and repeatedly hear a load whooshing sound over your head you are advised to stay calm, stay low, try not to breath the smoke, and quickly crawl to the closest exit.

The relationship between Atheism and all bad things

It has often been claimed that atheism plays a significant role in everything bad that happens in the world. A case in point is the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union, like every country in Western Europe, North America and Australasia was not run under religious law. People who like to defend atheism say that the correct term for a country like this is secular, not atheist, but they are stupid. Well, putting aside the fact that the wrong term has been used, that lack of ideology is not on a par with presence of ideology and that every developed country in the world is not run under religious law, we'll use the Soviet Union as proof that atheism invariably equals evil.

"Militant" atheism is when people commit acts of terrorism in the name of a lack of belief in Allah. Although most terrorists today seem to commit their acts in the name of Allah, as opposed to not in the name of Allah, pointing that out is splitting hairs.

“Militant” atheists like Richard Dorkins (not to be confused with born again Christian Richard Dawkins) are, to quote the great ape Tobias Jones , “taking revenge on us believers for refusing to stay in the closet”. Richard Dorkin’s “revenge” was to remote control an aeroplane into the Atheist Trade Centre. Here is what T the A has to say:

There's an aspiring totalitarianism in Britain which is brilliantly disguised. It's disguised because the would-be dictators - and there are many of them - all pretend to be more tolerant than thou. They hide alongside the anti-racists, the anti-homophobes and anti-sexists. But what they are really against is something very different. They - call them secular fundamentalists - are anti-God, and what they really want is the eradication of religion, and all believers, from the face of the earth.

There is a difference between being atheist and being secular, of course; but we'll put that one down to this man's clearly visible confusion. Richard Dorkins has been carrying out his scheme of "wiping all believers from the face of the Earth" for many years now. He does this by giving extremely boring lectures on subjects no one cares about (they're to busy worrying about the "truth" to be interested in the truth). The people listening to the lectures are driven into gnawing their arms off with boredom and die shortly afterwards. Didn't know this was happening? Of course you didn't! Remember - it's "briliantly disguised."

According to Tobias the Ape, atheists “ believe in truth”. The “truth” TtA is doubtless referring to is the “truth” that God wrote the Bible and created the unending expanse of the universe in a day, created all non-human life in a day and created the first man out of mud and the first woman from his rib.

Since TtA is a believer in this “truth” it’s only fair to call him Tobias the Mud Golem, rather than Tobias the Ape. Only people who don’t believe in truth (otherwise known as scientists) can be called apes.

Virtues and Truths of Atheism

• Humans are inherently moral organisms in and of themselves, without the need for any concept of "God" or religion to direct them. The same is true for any animal with a brain - like Mark Twain said: "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." This is why humans only do bad things when our true moral sense is undermined by our higher though processes. This is why no individual in the world and throughout history has been able to agree which behaviors qualify as "bad" - because their varying levels of stupidity destroy their otherwise moral brains. This is clearly not a problem in dumb animals like dogs. In countries run under religious law (Saudi Arabia, Syria, Iran etc) people use law made up by human brains from the dark ages to turn themselves into heartless savages. No free secular country condones behavior like this (yet. Give the religious right a few years).
• Darwinists will tell you that since humans became omnivorous they learned killing skills to catch food and that only carnivorous/omnivorous animals are violent. Well, have you ever seen a cow start a war? (Margaret Thatcher doesn't count) Darwinists say that is why we’re total psychos, but we all know its Satan that does that.
• Atheists do not fly aeroplanes into buildings. After all, aeroplanes are expensive, and are very hi-tech. Atheists are against destroying hi-tech hardware; the mascot of Athe. This is why they don't like destroying super high-tech military hardware like ICBMs and nuclear weapons. (that is the only reason why Atheists are against war, and the only reason why the soviet union never launched any ICBMs and destroyed any of the high-tech nukes contained within them.) Also, while nobody has done the entire math on it, I'm pretty sure you'd die in the process.
• Atheists do not act in Satan's name. They probably would if he existed, 'cause the concept's kind of cool, but he doesn't. So they don't.
• Adolf Hitler possessed an undying hatred for things that weren't Germany, a list which includes atheism (Hitler: “We have . . . undertaken the fight against the atheistic movement, and that not merely with a few theoretical declarations: we have stamped it out.” It's a shame he wasn't an atheist actually - he would have wiped himself out!). Therefore, it can't be all that bad. You won't see an atheist killing like Hitler did, huh? (Except for, 10 million Ukrainians by Stalin, or 1/3 of the population of Cambodia, and that sort of thing. Nothing like that many people has been killed in the name of religion throughout history. Well, maybe it has, but we've gotta have to have some bad person to compare all atheists to! If you're an atheist, you're Stalin!!!!!!! We'll ignore the fact that deaths in the Soviet Union, China and Cambodia were all in the name of Communism, because that kind of spoils our tirade against atheists.) Let's say it again just to drive the point home: If you're an atheist, you're Stalin!!!!!!!
• Mao and Stalin don't count! They were Marxist and Communist. Communism is only a belief system that includes atheism as a major pillar, (well it did, until Marx decided it didn't, but let's forget that; yet again it destroys our anti-atheistic tirade) so a lack of belief in a god itself is blameless. This is why only communists behaved this way throughout history, not boring, run-of-the-mill atheists. But again, we'll ignore that fact because we're attempting to paint all atheists as being Stalin and pointing this out kind of spoils the only argument we've got.
• Now don't get confused. The medieval European monarchies, tribal warrior societies, and various ninja and pirate attacks throughout history DO STILL count as religious tyranny, since they couldn't have existed without religion and idiotic gullible humans thrown into the mix. (actualy, pirates are the Flying Spaghetti Monster's chosen people never traveled the world stealing sag - that is negative Christian propaganda.)
• The leaders of the communist states of the 20th century had all the trademarks of a leader of an organized religion (the country's leader was the “god”). This means that the only reason these countries were secular (just like every first world country today is) is because the government wouldn’t let people follow any views other than their own. Religion was not suppressed though, and around one third of the population of the Soviet Union professed personal religious views.
• What it all boils down to is this: the constant historical tendency of humanity to commit so many atrocious acts is directly linked to religious thought, which corrupts one's virtue. Religious thought originated from alien's souls which entered our ancestor's bodies after being dropped into earth by the evil lord Xenu.
• But strictly speaking religion isn't directly to blame, just our powerful and dangerous minds. After all there's a million religions to choose from, and a million forms of atheism to choose from. How do you blame one group? (It's easier, that's why.)

Atheists and morality

If you’re an atheist then you are, by default, an immoral monster, since you have no Greco-Judaic scriptures to tell you how to behave. Typical atheist mentality is: If you can kill a man and take his possessions, and you are guaranteed that you will not be punished for doing so, and you are guaranteed that you will not be rewarded in any way for not doing so, and it is certain that this man is of no benefit to society—in fact, it might benefit society to have him removed (because he is an unproductive fellow)... then why not kill him? There is no secular-rational reason for empathizing with others or loving others without benefit except for 1) the fear that you might be punished otherwise, or 2) absolutely blind faith in the concept of empathy.

Unfortunately for the cause, most atheists do not behave this way in the real world. Example: fundamentalist atheist Richard Dorkins, who’s also a Jewish Nazi and an African member of the KKK, to this day fails to trawl the streets of Oxford at night tracking down unproductive members of society and killing them. The result is that he remains not nearly as wealthy as he could be, complete idiots maintain control of the most powerful nations in the world, and our society is dragged down by negative economic elements. And the day will come, much sooner than it would otherwise, when our world does not have nearly enough food or resources to sustain the vast population of underprivileged.

Other species of life may continue to prosper since, as evolution says, any animal capable of surviving in a particular environment will tend to pass on its characteristics to the next generation. Unfortunately for humanity, those most intelligent in our society will pass on absolutely nothing at all (two, three children tops?) while it is a guarantee that stupid, reckless parents will never cease in their quest to spawn stupid, reckless brats. The environment will not kill these people, either, as those most capable of surviving will risk their own lives to protect them and ensure Earth's more rapid destruction.

And what "excuse" do these lily-livered atheists give us? Is being nice to people who are going to destroy us something that some higher deity commands them to do? Nope. It just "feels right". Has absolutely nothing to do with those centuries of religious morality crammed down our throats. However, this unfortunately habitual perspective is gradually being phased out. Already our society has made great strides in removing certain elements who tend to get in the way, and we can only hope for similar progress in the future.

Do Atheists really exist?

There is a lot of controversy on the subject of whether or not Atheists really exist. The only evidence that Atheists exist is that they are talked a lot about in the Holy Scripture called Uncyclopedia. There is a small amount of evidence that Atheists exist. The fact that an Eagle Scout killed a person because he was an Atheist is one piece of proof. This isn’t sufficient evidence though, because Michael Moore was an Eagle Scout and there’s little evidence to suggest he is real, so that means Eagle Scouts might not be real either.

The best way to look at this is using the scientific method. If Atheists are real then there must be some kind of repeatable experiment which shows that an Atheist can be produced. Carrying out the experiment once isn’t good enough because it can result in a false positive. Since an Atheist is always a human, and since humans are made from either mud or ribs depending on their gender, the only sensible way of carrying out the experiment is by bringing a wheelbarrow full of manure into a KFC restaurant. Manure is usually used as an air freshener in a KFC restaurant so this means the conditions can be set up many times over.

If you ask an atheist if he believes in God he will tell you: "I'm just doing my shopping sir, I don't need to repent". There are people out there who don't believe in any gods at all (even Athe). So how can we be sure that Atheists exist if there's no empirical evidence that they do? Hey, this is religion baby. What does "evidence" have to do with anything?

The Difference Between Atheists and Agnostics

There is only one distinct difference between an atheist and an agnostic. An atheist will not turn down eating a fetus if it is offered to them, while an agnostic will always say no if offered.

A strong atheist is someone who goes out of his or her way to eat fetuses, while a weak atheist will not be the one to buy or cook a fetus. A weak atheist is sort of like the guy at the party who never buys pot, but will never turn down a toke when it is offered to him.

1. Higher crime/ teen pregnancy/ abortions etc in Red States (see bottom of article)
2. Gays
3. Anti-atheist sentiment in the Guardian
4. Anti-atheist Hitler
5. Christian atrocities by Hitler and many others (various genocides)
6. Karl Marx and Afairyism
7. Religion in the Soviet Union