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Ahem, Ahem, te stori iz about to commenze yet agen. It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Yrmir, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly frustrated, Yrmir stroked a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved Unreal Star Cannon was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Redigit. Yrmir had known Redigit for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Redigit was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... oafish. Yrmir called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

  Redigit picked up to a very ecstatic Yrmir. Redigit calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths cringe before mating, yet venomous koalas usually scandalously grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Yrmir.  Why was Redigit trying to distract Yrmir?  Because he had snuck out from Yrmir's with the Unreal Star Cannon only seven days prior.  It was a curious little Unreal Star Cannon... how could he resist?

  It didn't take long before Yrmir got back to the subject at hand: his Unreal Star Cannon. Redigit turned red. Relunctantly, Redigit invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Unreal Star Cannon. Yrmir grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Redigit realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Unreal Star Cannon and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Yrmir took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least seven minutes before Yrmir would get there.  But if he took the Gravity?  Then Redigit would be alarmingly screwed.

  Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Redigit was interrupted by five stupid Unicorns that were lured by his Unreal Star Cannon. Redigit turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he deftly reached for his gerbil and thoughtfully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Gravity rolling up.  It was Yrmir.

o0o----

  As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late.  With a heroic leap, Yrmir was out of the Gravity and went earnestly jaunting toward Redigit's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Redigit was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the Unreal Star Cannon into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Redigit was displeased but at least the Unreal Star Cannon was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

  'Come in,' Redigit wildly purred.  With a deft push, Yrmir opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid coke fiend in a spaceship,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Redigit assured him. Yrmir took a seat RIGHT next to where Redigit had hidden the Unreal Star Cannon. Redigit sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Yrmir was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Redigit noticed a abrasive look on Yrmir's face. Yrmir slowly opened his mouth to speak.

  '...What's that smell?'

  Redigit felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Yrmir asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Unreal Star Cannon right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A clueless look started to form on Yrmir's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Yrmir nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Redigit could react, Yrmir carefully lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Unreal Star Cannon was plainly in view.

  Yrmir stared at Redigit for what what must've been six seconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Redigit groped earnestly in Yrmir's direction, clearly desperate. Yrmir grabbed the Unreal Star Cannon and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Redigit let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Yrmir,' he rebuked. Redigit always had been a little selfish, so Yrmir knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Redigit did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Unreal Star Cannon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

  Redigit looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Yrmir. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Yrmir. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Redigit walked over to the window and looked down. Yrmir was gone.

o0o----

  Just yonder, Yrmir was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Redigit's place. Yrmir had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Unicorns suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Unreal Star Cannon.  One by one they latched on to Yrmir.  Already weakened from his injury, Yrmir yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Unicorns running off with his Unreal Star Cannon.

  About six hours later, Yrmir awoke, his fingernail throbbing.  It was dark and Yrmir did not know where he was.  Deep in the mysterious haunted thicket, Yrmir was abnormally lost. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he remembered that his Unreal Star Cannon was taken by the Unicorns. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Unicorn emerged from the secret vineyard.  It was the alpha Unicorn. Yrmir opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Unicorn sunk its teeth into Yrmir's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Yrmir's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

  Less than six miles away, Redigit was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Unreal Star Cannon.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot.  With a heroic thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Yrmir... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the Unreal Star Cannon that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Unicorns, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1