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Talk:2010 Emory Healthcare 500

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Reviewer: Secret (talk · contribs) 03:15, 3 January 2013 (UTC)

I'll be reviewing this article. Secret 03:15, 3 January 2013 (UTC)

Ok reviewing, I noticed prose issues throughout, did a few copyedits. I haven't fully finished the review, some comments for now.

  • "The track, Atlanta Motor Speedway, is one of ten intermediate to hold NASCAR races" Change the first mention of track to venue, then add track after intermediate.
  • "Kasey Kahne is the race's defending champion." Is should be a was
  • "only forty-three will be able.... will be able to what (for non-NASCAR readers)?
  • "The race, the twenty-fifth out of a total of thirty-six in the season", (A total is redundant)
  • "Newman was challenging Hamlin, on the first lap." Source and relevance?
  • "Seven laps later, Paul Menard passed Gordon to move into thirteenth" relevance?
  • "After struggling with car handling during the first half of the race, Kurt Busch had moved from thirty-second to sixteenth by lap 171." - relevance?
  • "Seven laps later, Jamie McMurray had a flattened tire, and drove to pit road." - Incorrect grammar with flattened
  • "After McMurray's unscheduled pit stop he fell to the twenty-sixth position" - Sentence can be merged with above
  • What's the NASCAR MOS here, wording like "as Stewart puts his teammate, Ryan Newman, a lap behind" is confusing to NASCAR readers, I rather replace behind with down.
  • Eight laps later, the fourth caution came out because David Ragan spun sideways on the back stretch. Because < As
  • "All the drivers on the same lap as the leaders pitted under the caution." (Better as) Every driver in the lead lap pitted under caution.
  • Why did Hamlin finished last when all the start and park drivers were already pulling to pit road by the early laps. That's really rare and unique nowadays.
  • Can you remove citation four, yes its archived but not working properly and it is covered by the other sources.

Sorry for the delay, the start of class got me backtracked, let me finish. Here's more comments

  • "On lap 128, early race leader, Hamlin had an engine that failed; he finished forty-third." Better as On lap 128, Hamlin had an engine failure, finishing fourty-third. Removes some redundant wording and grammar issues.
  • "Later in the race Tony Stewart reclaimed the lead, and led a race high of seventy-five laps." Messy sentence for the lead, grammar and poor word choice "reclaimed the lead" of is redudant.
  • "During qualifying, forty-seven cars were entered, but only forty-three will be able to start " Grammar
  • "He was joined on the front row of the grid" Better to wikilink front row with the grid wikilink, and remove "of the grid" completely as redundant.
  • Five laps after the pit stops began, Hamlin and Kyle Busch.... As the pit stops were mentioned on the last sentence, just put "five laps later" instead.
  • "excessive speed on pit road, he had to serve a drive-through penalty on pit road" remove the last mention of "on pit road" redundant, wikilink is enough.
  • "On the restart, driver were racing furiously, by going three wide (three cars side-by-side) around the track." - Grammar
  • "After Harvick drove through pit road the first time, it caused a scoring error, so he was held a lap to fix it." What is a "scoring error"?
  • I don't think the Edwards quote isn't really relevant to the content.

Ok last round of comments

  • who started in the second position on the grid... see my comment above, this time fix it from the lead.
  • but only forty-three were able to start on the grid.... on the grid is redundant in the sentence, remove
  • Is finishing fourth quickest and fifth quickest in practice relevant? If not trim.
  • Joe Gibbs, began pre-race ceremonies, .... why the commas, there is no necessary pausing. Also add "the" before pre-race.
  • Two laps later, Martin Truex, Jr passed Edwards for fifth, as Newman became the leader, passing Hamlin for first. Several issues with this sentence, "for first" is redundant, was Truex passing Edwards was of any relevance? Just say Two laps later, Newman passed Hamlin for the lead and keep it simple.
  • On lap 55, Hamlin moved into the first position, after passing Stewart. Grammar issues, better as "On lap 55, Hamlin passed Stewart for the first position".
  • "gave the position" reword as you can't give away positions, unless something strange is going on between the drivers.
  • The lead only lasted three laps before Stewart reclaimed the lead. Really? Reword
  • "and prompted the second caution" and should be which
  • Stewart became the new leader... should be "regained the lead".. ditto with some other similar phrasing in that section.
  • "moved quickly into the lead" should be Johnson passed Stewart for the lead. "Moved quickly" is unencyclopedic slang.
  • Kyle Busch, who was a lap down after a pit road speeding penalty had recovered to sixth. Was it a new speeding penalty? Reword
  • Gordon was falling toward... was falling should be falled
  • On lap 222, Montoya moved into the third position, as Johnson showed his displeasure with him... why the displeasure?
  • "One lap later, Biffle returned to the race, seventy-one laps down in the thirty-ninth position. Four laps later, Biffle lost power to his race car." Both sentences should be combined.
    • "One lap later, Biffle returned to the race, seventy-one laps down in the thirty-ninth position, but would lose power to his race car after four laps." -- Nascar1996 12:22, 31 January 2013 (UTC)

Secret 04:39, 31 January 2013 (UTC)

There still some minor gramatical issues in the "Race" section but nothing extremely serious or obvious, passing the review. Secret 15:47, 31 January 2013 (UTC)

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