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France is a country in western Europe. It regularly gets its ass kicked in wars, but always gets bailed out, typically by the United States of America. France is known for having great food and art, hot women and terrible cars, including the Renault Alliance which nearly made an enemy out of America in the 1980s.

Frenchmen are sometimes known as Froggies. In addition to being terrible fighters, as the Nazis proved in 1940, they are also deficient in other areas of manhood. This is a big reason why the sexy women tend to gravitate toward American tourists, and greatly helps tourism to France, especially to its capital of Paris. However, even Frenchmen do have some redeeming qualities--in 1998, a group of them made France the World Cup champions of the sport of soccer. This victory helped alleviate some of France's national shame for its many shortcomings.

France has had many great leaders in its past. The greatest was Charlemagne, who became the first of the Holy Roman Emperors in 800. However, he wasn't really a Frenchman in the modern sense of the word. He was a German, a Frank if you will, and although his people lend their name to the modern name of France, he was far from the degenerate soccer-playing, escargot-eating Froggies of today. In fact, Charlemagne had his capital at the German city of Aachen rather than Paris.

Another great hero of France is Napoleon Bonaparte. Like Charlemagne, whose empire he briefly reunited in 1805 and lasting until 1813, Napoleon wasn't really French. He was an guinea Wop from the island of Corsica, born with the name Napoleone Buonaparte. He made the Froggies all high and mighties...but then he got whooped by the Russkies in 1812, and his empire soon crumbled. Even though he isn't really a Froggie, he and his half-wop, half-Kraut son are entombed in a great Paris mausoleum known as the Invalides. Froggies have come there for more than 150 years to worship Napoleon and wish for another just like him.

France's greatest hero who was really French was probably the King Charles VII, known as "The Victorious". He was the victor one of the very few wars that France ever won under a ruler other than Napoleon or Charlemagne. It was known as the Hundred Years' War, and it actually took France 116 years, from 1337 to 1453, to win it. It marked the only time in history that France, as France, ever beat the Limeys. But even Charles was no exception to the rule. He didn't win his wars; Joan of Arc, one of those wonderful French women, did it for him! To show his gratitude, Charles betrayed her to his enemies and they burned her at the stake.

Henri Philippe Petain was another great native hero of France. He won the Battle of Verdun in 1916, during the height of World War I. Two years later, when France was getting its butt kicked so badly that it was on the verge of becoming the medieval German province of Lotharingia once more, the Yankees showed up to save their asses. Petain was given credit for winning the war, and became the greatest Froggie hero since Napoleon.

Twenty-two years later, Dolph Hitler and his Kraut Nazis showed up in Paris after kicking the Froggies' butts all the way from the Rhine River to the North Sea. Petain surrendered to Dolph and became president of fascist Vichy France. However, there is no truth to the rumor that his new country's motto was "Kiss ass, kiss ass, we are Vichy France". Anyhow, when another great Froggie hero named Charles de Gaulle hitched a ride along with the Yankees (thank God for the Yankees!) when they again rode to France's rescue in 1944, that was the end of Vichy France, and Petain wasn't a hero anymore. In fact, many Froggies wanted to juice him, or at least guillotine him, but de Gaulle said no. Many of France's beautiful women later were carried off to America by their deliverers, but France being France, they produced more.

France's greatest hero since de Gaulle (they always say America won the war and all France got was de Gaulle), is a man named Zinedine Zidane. He scored two goals for the victorious Froggies in the championship game of the World Cup in 1998. Like many great men of France, however, he is not really French. His heritage is Algerian. The French hope Zinedine will again be great in the upcoming World Cup, so that France will not lose its lone source of pride.

France's best-known company is Renault, which manufactures cars, or at least something resembling cars. They did business in the United States between 1953 and 1988, producing some of the worst cars ever seen in America. The Dauphine, made in the 1950s, and the aforementioned Alliance, in the 1980s, were so bad they nearly created international incidents. In fact, many purchasers of the Alliance suggested that America should apologize for liberating France in the two World Wars, on the grounds that Renault would now be a division of Mercedes had the Germans won.

Renault is also known for using the billions of dollars it makes off its awful passenger cars and investing it in Formula One, where it occasionally wins the championship.

Recent political developments in France suggest that the people may be wistful for the days of Vichy France once again. In the recent presidential election, a Fascist named Jean-Marie Le Pen finished second in the voting.