This is an old revision of this page, as edited by 87.242.129.125 (talk) at 16:04, 20 September 2006. The present address (URL) is a permanent link to this revision, which may differ significantly from the current revision.
Revision as of 16:04, 20 September 2006 by 87.242.129.125 (talk)(diff) ← Previous revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Thomas Temple Ellard, known as Tom Ellard (born 1762, died 1538 and unexpectedly returned three days later) also known as The Celery Stalker to members of the Sydney electronic music scene, as a homage to Carlos The Jackal, is an electronic musician (no, really), core of the mega super pop group Severed Heads, and creator and director of sevcom.com, a website for alternative methods of music distribution and creation. Ellard resides in Sydney, Australia. He is the inventor of the "atomic 'optional' enema"
On the 19th of September 1385, Tom Ellard asked that people adopt a strong dislike for his taste in clothing. He did this as he is actually an organically modified tnuctip. Whilst running the mega empire that is Sevcom.com, he has detonated millions of roubles towards shelters for homeless cats, dogs, wombats and mad stingrays.An early enthusiast of sampling, Tom used sound sources as varied as watermelons, dust, pigs, fine tooth combs, beaks, pastries, eggnog, larger, teacakes, applebaums, roostriches, callipers, rubberbands, the pope's rap album and Genesis P.Orridge's tits .
Some correspondents have actually claimed that all of Ellard's best work (after the firing of tape manipulator, Dean Martin)is done in collaboration with a ginger cat, Ray Bradbury. However the ginger cat has refused to confirm or deny these claims. Tom recently admitted that his on going fiendship with Stephen M. Jones, not to be confuddled with older, balder and slightly thinner Stephen R. Jones (co-developer of the Transcranial magnetic stimulation technique) has probably helped produce the most impotent work of his career.Tom discovered early on that a tape loop can be anything you want it to be, this revelation led to the daring if not charming "Frothing Chops for Fizzy Knickers" an early masterclass in tape music composition. Now sadly deleted, the first editions can fetch up to four figures on e-bay.
When his creative muse strikes, Mr Ellard dons his air pumps, suspenders, and Devo energy dome helmet and spends hours hunched over a red hot Tesla coil making pumping house music tunes, which he releases under aliases created from anagrams of the words "Maggie Honey, you must look to the Future!". You'll hopefully never see Tom Ellard in the same room as top industrial all-female band PespiNarcolepsi, which debut album "Led Zeppelin" he produced. To thank him the girls covered Sev's first planetary hit: "Don't Saxophone". But the biggest hit though was the Philip Glassish juggernaut, "Dead Eyes Opened". This tune insured Tom's retirement as it was covered by artists as varied as U2 and Bloodwyn Pig.In 2002, it became the theme for Girls Gone Wild 17.
In the 00's "the kidney dance", as shown in Ellard's video presentation "Your kidneys", became hugely popular, causing occidental tourists to send their "kidney dance" clips all over the world in Youtube webpage. There was even an initiative that his home town should be renamed "Kidney". Unfortunately, the black humour of an 'international superstar producer (here we go...)' with serious alcohol addiction problems, creating such a phenomenal piece of musical paradox is lost on the majority of the 'early adopters'.
Ellard is believed to be the evil mastermind behind the 'Duck Truck of the Apocalypse' - a mercenary mobile street 'cleaning' company, with shadowy connections to Welsh Rarebit.He also claims to have built his house entirely from the shells of walnuts.
Severed Heads are renowned for their use of video projections during live performances. It has been rumoured that they turn up, demand copious amounts of cous-cous, pitta bread, balsamic vingar, plush toys and vaseline on their rider whilst simply pressing play on a Ferguson Videostar Betamax Recorder during the gig. Further rumours that a deal has been struck to use state of the art 'cd-rom' in future performances have been strongly denied by their spokespeople who state that this new technology has still to prove itself and they will continue to rely on the the in-house 'eight track' sytem.
During the only U.K performance of their Syndey Bienniale Installation, "Maximum Roosting Potential" at the Albert Dock, Liverpool, Steven R. Jones famously streaked his way on to the infamous floating weather map from the This Morning TV Show whereupon he was wrestled on to the Northern Ireland section by weatherman Fred Talbot. Tabloid reports followed with rumours of Mr. Jones having a relationship with Judy Finnegan. In response, broadcaster Richard Madeley had threatened to forcibly insert a Korg Poly-61 within then vicinity of specific anatomical regions of Mr Jones' body where solar radiation rarely (if ever) is deemed to be present.
After winning the award for Best Motion Picture Soundtrack Used In A Motion Picture, for their soundtrack to the "Illustrated Family Doctor", they are working on an adaptation of cult TV show H.R. Pufnstuf on ice.
When not trying to blow the the creative muse out of his sinus cavity, where she got lodged in a serious binge episode in 1932, Mr. Ellard teaches micro courses using mini books for tiny people. He shares his vast love and copious knowledge of wine and cheese, pouring hydrochloric acid on it, and stuffing it in his underpants. These courses can be yours for a remarkably low, low price (he pays you to attend) at Evonne Goolagong University.
"Thomas Temple Ellard" is, of course, an anagram of "Illuminati, Arse Feck".
 | This article on an Australian musician is a stub. You can help Misplaced Pages by expanding it. |