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List of Absolutely episodes

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The following is a list of episodes from the Channel 4 sketch comedy television programme Absolutely.

List of episodes

Series 1: 23 May – 27 June 1989

All episodes were shown on Tuesday nights at 11:00 pm on Channel 4 and ran for 45 minutes.

# Broadcast date List of sketches
1 23 May 1989 * Radical Television
* Opening titles
* Job Interview – The First Candidate
* Denzil – Do It Yourself
* Job Interview – Bass Guitar
* Ordering a pizza
* Don & George – Undertakers
* 'Journey of Life' (song)
* Don & George – Undertakers
* Adverts
* Don & George – Undertakers
* Little Girl – Death
* Bert Bastard – Address Book
* Adverts
* Calum Gilhooley – Visiting John
* Fashion Show
* Getting to Work Seminar
* Nice Family – The evening's television
* Closing Credits
2 30 May 1989 * Jack meets Valerie Jane Turpett
* Opening titles
* Cinema sketch (featuring Calum Gilhooley)
* 'Just an Ordinary Guy' (song)
* Adverts
* Little Girl – The Queen
* Nice Family – Death of a Hamster
* Don & George – Hamster Cage
* Adverts
* Don & George – Hamster Cage
* Death
* Questions at an American Immigration Desk
* Death
* Bert Bastard – Rowing Boat
* Denzil & Gwynedd
* The Commisionaire – Taxi
* Closing Credits
3 6 June 1989 * Announcement of Herbert Blackford's Death
* Opening Titles
* Shop prepares for The Queen's visit
* Don & George – Shop
* Man trapped in pile of newspaper supplements
* Firemen
* Adverts
* Firemen
* Nice Family – Writing to Points of View
* Don & George – Shop
* Courtroom scene – dentist and clown
* Little Girl – Birth
* Adverts
* Bert Bastard – House Fire
* Firemen
* Long-winded interview with theatre actress
* Hospital scene
* Shop prepares for The Queen's visit – includes 'She's The Queen' (song) and closing credits
4 13 June 1989 * Bank – cashing a cheque
* Opening titles
* Billy – Sweet shop
* Vikings scene
* Don & George – Bargains
* Adverts
* The Foot Theatre Company
* The Beginnings of Scottish Country Dancing
* Robin & Annabel – Supermarket
* Opera scene
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Cheese Water
* Opera scene
* Nice Family – Christmas presents
* Closing credits
* Vikings scene
5 20 June 1989 * Little Girl – People in power
* Opening titles
* Gwyn – Shop
* Scottish Junior Cup Quarter Final Draw
* Businessmen in cafe
* The Greensleeves Dance
* Adverts
* Bad Actress' acting lessons
* Being A Hippy
* Clothes Shop
* Adverts
* Slobs in a living room
* Posh people in cinema
* Becoming A Beefeater
* Closing Credits
* Suspicious Salesman
6 27 June 1989 * Animal rights activists
* Opening titles
* Bert Bastard – Deckchair
* Stoneybridge – Promotional video/slogans/jingles
* 'The Shape I'm In' (song)
* Bert Bastard – Deckchair
* Gwyn – Courtroom
* Little Girl – Christmas and Jesus
* Calum Gilhooley – Post Office
* Adverts
* Two shy men at a party
* Bert Bastard – Deckchair
* Nice Family – Morning Mail
* The Salvation Army
* Bert Bastard – Deckchair
* Closing Credits

Series 2: 22 August – 12 October 1990

All episodes were shown on Wednesday nights at 10:00pm on Channel 4 and ran for 45 minutes.

# Broadcast date List of sketches
1 22 August 1990 * Opening titles
*Protest – 'We're quite comfortably off'/'We don't know
* Don & George
* Gwyn
* Don & George – Buying Wallpaper and Sofa
* Shop salesmen runs to the next sketch
* Doctor sketch
* Shop salesman runs back from Doctor sketch to Don & George sketch
* Don & George – Buying a Sofa
* Board meeting with stunt doubles
* Adverts
* Putting Children To Use
* Gwyn
* Partings – how to get on in life
* Old lady's driving test – identifying road signs
* Ransom tape
* Don & George – Buying a Sofa
* Gwyn
* The Commissionaire – Explosive Postcard
* Adverts
* Queen's Inspection
* Dinner Party – Regards
* Gwyn
* Little Girl – Having a Baby
* Nice Family – Travel agent
* Closing credits
2 29 August 1990 * Opening titles
* Calum Gilhooley – Meeting Jehovah's Witnesses
* The Great Thinko
* Billy – Shop
* Calum Gilhooley – Undeveloped Photos
* Taxi driver
* Life Support
* Calum Gilhooley – Punch
* Adverts
* Mr. Perkins and Mr. Perkins
* Police housecall (including Calum Gilhooley)
* Fashion Show – Priests in Pants
* Mr. Perkins and Mr. Perkins
* Old Artist and Nude Model
* Mr. Perkins and Mr. Perkins
*Adverts
* Denzil and Gwynedd – Expecting a Baby (including Calum Gilhooley)
* 'I Wanna Have a Baby' (song)
* Calum Gilhooley – Railway Station
* Don & George – Crossants
*Closing credits
3 5 September 1990 * Opening titles
* Disease of the Week – Thrumble Nose
* Don & George – Don returns from London
* Tour Guide
* What do fish talk about?
* Billy – Football
* Adverts
* Macglashan – Inventions
* Army – Antique furniture
* Macglashan – World Cup Draws
* Little Girl – Telephone
* Macglashan – Joke
* Adverts
* Macglashan – Scottish Frogs
* 'Sensible Hair' (song)
* Hair for Mice
* Airport – Tour Guide
* Airport – The Commissionaire
* Airport – Macglashan
* Squash changing rooms – Tour Guide
* Squash changing rooms – Lawyers with long names
* Closing credits
4 12 September 1990 * Opening titles
* The Wells – Jeffrey
* Stoneybridge – Olympic Games bid video/Stoneybridge Highland Games bid jingles
* Gwyn – Nouns and verbs
* Bible translation problems
* Gwyn
* Piano Man – 'Clever' (song)
* Adverts
* Bert Bastard – Dinner
* Fun as a Nun
* Dangerous things can be dangerous
* Piano Man – 'Trousers' (song)
* Gwyn – Anesthetic
* Little Girl – Dentist
* Piano Man – 'Good Looking' (song)
* Dinner party scene
* Piano Man – 'Adante' (song)
* Vets' waiting room
* Piano Man
* Adverts
* Robin & Annabel – First Meeting
* Calum Gilhooley – Phone call
* Robin & Annabel – Picnic
* Calum Gilhooley – Pub
* Closing Credits (Piano Man)
5 19 September 1990 * Opening titles
* Obessesion with Frank
* Alarm clock problems
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Wine
* Sleepwalking man
* Gwyn – Unpredictable
* Waiting room
* Adverts
* Sleepwalking man
* Waiting room
* Don & George – Hotel
* Waiting room
* Childhoods of the cast
* Don & George – Hotel
* Sleepwalking man
* Western film dubbing
* Little Girl – Lies
* Baby christening
* Courtroom scene
* 'Wearing a Suit' (song)
* Sleepwalking man
* Closing credits (with jeering audience)
6 26 September 1990 * Opening titles
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Illtyd
* Shortest link in the world
* Apologies
* Little Girl – Aeroplanes
* Nice Family – Drive
* Adverts
* Courtroom baby
* Apologies
* Talking to a sheepdog
* Apologies
* Western bar scene
* Surgeons – All Things Bright and Beautiful
* Sheepdog in pub
* Adverts
* Bert Bastard – Game
* Don & George – Soup
* Model's makeup
* Apologies
* Stoneybridge – Twin town promotional video
* Closing credits
7 3 October 1990 * Western Bar
* Opening titles
* Wako-taki
* Man in park
* Bowling Club Annual General Meeting
* Billy – Suicide and Shop
* Adverts
* I'm not here
* Man with Diaries
* I'm not here
* Adolescent girl
* I'm not here
* How to attract ladies (including Calum Gilhooley)
* Adverts
* Robin and Annabel – Wedding
* Car mechanics
* How to attract ladies
* Nice Family – Bondage
* Closing credits
8 12 October 1990 * Casting
* Opening titles
* Old People's Home
* Relationship with camera
* Art gallery
* Don & George – Dating
* Adverts
* Little Girl – Buildings
* Businessman's phones
* Don & George – Dating
* Advert
* Bert Bastard – Suicide note
* Calum Gilhooley – Courtroom
* Simple Minds spoof song
* Closing credits

Series 3: 17 May – 5 July 1991

All episodes were shown on Friday nights at 10:30pm on Channel 4 and ran for 35 minutes.

# Broadcast date List of sketches
1 17 May 1991 * Opening titles
* Calum Gilhooley – Aeroplane
* The Wells – Letter to prisoner
* Bert Bastard – Sports Day
* Don & George – Police
* Adverts
* Don & George – Police
* Stoneybridge – Business promotional 'vido'
* Little Girl – Doctors
* Macglashan – Hurly Burly Bag
* Bad morning animation
* Macglashan – The English Border
* Closing credits
2 24 May 1991 * Opening titles
* Don & George – Medical
* Very Bad Swimmers Indeed
* Car alarm revenge
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Lecture
* Tour Guide
* Clive Merson – Dead man's charity work
* Adverts
* Restaurant – order
* Lobster run over by car
* Gwyn
* Restaurant – running out of food
* Systems Analysts fan in Nightclub
* 'Systems Analysts' (song)
* On the Lavatory with Frank Hovis – Taxi
* Plumbers
* Closing credits
3 31 May 1991 * Opening titles
* The Wells – Preparing for visitors
* Calum Gilhooley – Booking a flight
* Bert Bastard – Supermarket
* 'Life Ain't Nothing Compared to Death' (song)
* Adverts
* Jeff The Parkie
* Tamzin The Model
* Don & George – Satellite Television
* Posh couple – 'Binki'
* Don & George – Broken mirror (including Gwyn)
* Stoneybridge – Council elections
* Closing credits
4 7 June 1991 * Opening titles
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Birthday
* Piano Man
* Seance
* On The Lavatory with Frank Hovis – Greek holiday
* Vets' waiting room
* Wedding Preparation
* Piano Man
* Adverts
* Wedding video
* Hotel restaurant – dress code
* Piano Man Underwater
* Hotel – Bed
* Poets at funeral
* Hotel – Noise Next Door/Burglar
* Police – Playground
* Police siege on house
* Closing credits
5 14 June 1991 * Opening titles
* Charity shop sketch
* Braid Scots phrases
* Singing Man
* Stoneybridge – Independent Television franchise
* Singing Man
* Calum Gilhooley – Opinion poll
* Opinion Poll
* Bert Bastard – Over 80s Disco
* Singing Man
* Adverts
* Nice Family – Football Rules
* Little Girl – School
* Hospital sketch
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Illtyd
* Macglashan – Speech
* Blind charity man
* Macglashan – New laws
* Closing credits
6 21 June 1991 * Opening titles
* Wellses – Christmas Presents
* Stoneybridge – Annual Dinner Dance awards
* Train Station preacher
* Stoneybridge – Annual Dinner Dance performance
* Einstein's Banana Skin
* Billy – Bedroom
* Stoneybridge – Annual Dinner Dance (including Frank Hovis)
* Adverts
* Mime artists
* Deal in a car park
* Bad Edwardian entertainer
* Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance comedian
* Don and George – Names
* TV critic
* Stoneybridge – Annual Dinner Dance, includes The Hills of Buccleuch (song)
* Closing credits
7 28 June 1991 * Opening titles
* Macglashan – News and Sport
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Codfyl
* Piano Man – Restaurant
* Aeroplane staff
* On The Lavatory with Frank Hovis – Wife
* Adverts
* Mad woman – cutting your own hair
* Courtroom – World Baseball Champions
* Party animation
* University student's letter
* Don & George – Corner shop
* Mad woman – making your own clothes
* Elvis fan club
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Dancing
* Elvis fan club
* Closing credits
8 5 July 1991 * Wells – Charity shop
* Stoneybridge – Jamboree Celebrity
* Environmentalist song
* On The Lavatory with Frank Hovis – 'Penis Flytrap'
* Don & George – 'George, You're Simply the Best'
* Bert Bastard – Hokey Cokey
* Victoria and Albert Museum
* Piano Man
* Calum Gilhooley – Video Shop
* Little Girl – Family
* Disastrous family ancestors sketch
* Closing credits – including 'I Guess It's Just Pretend' (song)

Series 4: 22 January – 26 February 1993

All episodes were shown on Friday nights at 10:30pm on Channel 4 and ran for 35 minutes.

# Broadcast date List of sketches
1 22 January 1993 * Opening titles
* Macglashan – Newspaper
* Laughing Man – Tractor
* Calum Gilhooley – Operation
* Bert Bastard – World atlas
* Laughing Man
* Little Girl – Old People
* Dressage without the Horses
* Adverts
* Photographer
* On The Lavatory with Frank Hovis – Running for a Bus
* Piano Man – Restaurant
* Don & George – Work
* Laughing Man
* Nice Family – Losing It
* Closing Credits
2 29 January 1993 * Opening titles
* Stoneybridge – Stag night
* The Wells – Fostering
* Suregons – Tyre Puncture
* Office sketch
* Gwyn – Razor
* Golf – Cyberman vs Thor
* Adverts
* 'Hello' (song)
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Llandudno Neck
* Piano Man
* Tour Guide – Blenheim Palace
* Wedding dress – frills
* Closing Credits
3 5 February 1993 * Opening titles
* Posh Couple – dinner
* Laughing Man – Pub
* Don & George – Not selling anything
* 'Packed lunch' (song)
* Don & George – Not selling anything
* On The Lavatory with Frank Hovis – Lip salve
* Laughing Man – Pub
* Adverts
* Bert Bastard – Mobility scooter
* Thick game show hostess
* Nice Family – The Facts of Life
* Surgeons – Left-overs operation
* Laughing Man
* Lady Camilla
* Closing credits
4 12 February 1993 * Opening titles
* Denzil & Gwynedd – Hoover
* 'Getting older' (song)
* Calum Gilhooley – Bookshop/Chase
* Little Girl – Trains
* Adverts
* The Wells – Greentours Holidays
* Billy and Mate – 'Hospical'
* Mr. Wiggy van
* Stoneybridge – Independence for Bruceland
* Laughing Man – T-shirt
* Stoneybridge – War between Bruceland and the other side of the room
* Laughing man
*Closing credits
5 19 February 1993 * Opening titles
* Nice Family – People to avoid and to meet
* Redundant cleaner in wardrobe
* Fish attacks
* The Wells – Soup kitchen
* Gwyn – Teeth
* Adverts
* Tour Guide – Coach
* Surgeons – Street Operation
* Don and George – Car
* Billy and Mate – 'Sexy interclock'
* On The Lavatory with Frank Hovis – Cafe meal
* 'Bank Holiday' (song)
* Closing credits
6 26 February 1993 * Opening titles
* Don & George – Savings
* 'Schedule-D Man
* Gwyn – Sellotape
* Don & George – Donan & Georgeman
* Bert Bastard – Cup of tea
* Posh couple – waking up
* Bert Bastard – Cheese and biscuits
* Piano Man – 'Just Ask Me' (song)
* Don & George – Donan & Georgeman
* Adverts
* Little Girl – Government
* Calum Gilhooley – Directions
* On The Lavtory with Frank Hovis – Farting
* Stoneybridge – charity pop single
* Closing credits
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